This week we taught a class on purpose….
My research into preparing for this class literally ripped me in two and grabbed at my heart violently….
What the fuck is my purpose?
There are so many potential purposes that I actually have no idea which ones are real and which ones I have created in order to keep myself busy, and therefore distracting myself from my actual purpose.
Do you know what dawned on me….?
Dawned is not actually the right word to describe this actually….it really slapped me round my face hard.
I don’t want to acknowledge my purpose as I have spent so many years running away from it.
(I am not going to do a big justification thing here about how I obviously I love my children and think they are the best thing that ever happened in my life….etc. This is a given. I am a mother and that is clearly the way I feel about my small ones….)
What if my Dharma is to be a Mother?
I have 4 children! 4! What part of me has not recognised this?
The part that has been running away because it has not allowed the Mother to be enough!
If I look back over the last 16 years I have been searching endlessly for something to be my thing…
What I do know to be true is that teaching yoga is also my ‘thing’.
I am beyond passionate about teaching yoga….it is the space in which I lose myself…I lose track of time…I love the connection and the energy….I love serving my students….
But I also recognise that being a Mother has been placed before me very clearly.
Interestingly when I went through my crisis at the weekend I spoke with my 13 year old daughter and asked her if she wished that I just stayed at home….her answer was delightfully ‘We are not at home all the time so why should you be….?’.
The clarity afforded to a teenager is something to behold…truly they will tell it to you as it is. For this comment I was grateful....there have been many that have not landed with me so well!
Important to note I am not about to give up teaching yoga and stay at home every hour of the day…No no no! I have spent my time at home and I am now enjoying my new freedom.
I do feel that I am however fully allowing the responsibility of my purpose as a mother to truly settle within me.....FINALLY!
So as I meditated on my discomfort and my awareness I began to understand fully the advice Yogi Bhajan gives us.
He encourages us not to constantly seek and search for our purpose.
He encourages us to sit, to meditate to be still and let things come to you.
He is not saying we should be passive.
He is saying that if we put the energy we are wasting on searching into being truly present for our selves and the current situations that we are presented with then we will be fulfilling our purpose.
Once we align ourselves in this way and stop losing the energy to our thoughts, we become so vital, so on point and present that we begin to create the shift that is truly serving our higher good.
Our purpose is to be present where we are.....
To be fully present as a Mother, wife, lover, friend.
To be present in the vocation that we have currently been placed in.
It is then that we serve others....
We shine our bright Yogi Lights and we inspire the people we work with, live with, drink tea with....
We become Lighthouses!
So it is now my purpose to recognise where I am and what is being presented to me.
To be fully with my children, fully with my husband, fully with my friends and fully with my students….and when I am not I will be fully with myself.
And when I fail…then I will try again next time.
All love and Sat Nam xxx