As of just a couple of weeks ago I have been married to the same man for 17 years. As I write this I am rather disappointed that a fanfare hasn’t sounded…because to be honest I am pretty damn pleased with myself and my hubby for getting here.
Not only have we been married this long but we have created 4 beings and for the first 13 years we moved home at least once every 2 years. To top it all off we then relocated to Australia from the UK, twice!
I am still waiting for the fanfare……
During this time I have never had an affair either physically or mentally and I fully believe he hasn’t either….(to be honest I have sometimes told him an affair might be more sustainable than me being active our sex life! But joking about this is not something I feel is particularly clever).
You see as much as we were together this whole time and functioning as a family pretty convincingly, I cannot say that I have not hated him sometimes. I think there has always been love…but sometimes it is a love that you feel for the man that gave you your children as opposed to the man you have to actually live with…Whilst I do not really like having this conversation with him I am pretty sure he would say he has felt the same.
And yet here we are 17 years and a few weeks and I can place my hand on my heart and say I have never loved him more or found him more physically attractive than I do today.
We have got here not through couples counselling but through the belief that we can make it work. Our saving grace is that my husband having witnessed his parents work through their own problems believed we could do the same…I in contrast having experienced my parents go through a rather messy divorce am more inclined to shout “Its over!” during an argument.
One of the most profound realisations I experienced was as I went through my Kundalini teacher training and learnt some pretty harsh realities about the way I was viewing life. The way I was projecting blame outwards and onto my husband rather than taking responsibility for myself, my actions and my personal issues. The way I was looking at him to “complete me”. (Do you remember Jerry McGuire?)
My other quite shattering realisations have involved me finally recognising that I have experienced complex trauma as a child. Just the very act of voicing this was enough to make quite huge shifts. It has allowed me to actually give myself a break. To recognise that I have areas where I am missing basic skills which I did not learn as a child. My healing has been nearly as much in the uncovering and accepting of my anxiety and my shame as it has in the re learning.
As for sex…Well for most of the years that we had small children it was the furthest thing from my mind. I was at my most sexy when pregnant, perhaps the reason we had 4 children!
Amazingly my husband has found me more sexy and more attractive with every year. He was attracted to the woman I was whilst I was still longing for my emaciated early twenties self. The irony of this was that I had hated this body as much as my post children body.
The judgement of my own body turned into judgement of him. He wasn’t romantic, he didn’t wine and dine me, he didn’t buy me flowers. The truth is I didn’t do any of these for him or for myself either!
Once I stopped looking to him to “put me in the mood” I learnt how to get myself in the mood. I started to rediscover my own pleasure and sensuality. Massaging my body with a blend of essential oils and almond oil after my showers with special attention to my tummy was a wonderful start.
Honouring that I needed time to be with myself. Time to meditate, to move my body aerobically as well as through yoga. Food that helped me re connect with myself as a woman.
All these tools have improved not only my mental health but my physical health and my sex life.
Sure there are still times I am not in the mood…but I can honour these times in relation to my moon cycle and moon centres. Now we enjoy nothing more than a quick lunch hour together!
The message of this musing is simply to say….I have been to the brink and come back. I believe it is possible and I believe that this journey can take your relationship too a new and beautiful depth.
And yes it does help that my children are older now….I am not going lie about that…So hold in there and remember it does get easier, you do get more sleep and you will have more freedom again.
And when you do, like us you can totally embarrass your children by “making out” in the kitchen!
During our next 6 week course The Feminine Art of Sex and Relationships we will dive into some of what I have discussed here and more of the amazing Women’s teachings around this subject.
I would also like to honour those of you who’s relationships did not turn around. I honour you and I see you. My first marriage didn’t either. We live, we learn and we are the amazing women we are today because of it.
This course is for all women, whatever your journey. We always learn so much from each other when we can come together in this powerful way. We hope you can join us.
All love and Sat Nam